A cartoon depicts two farmers fighting over a cow, one pulling at its head, the other at its tail. Down below are two lawyers milking it. How often the only people to benefit from bitter disputes are the lawyers.

After parking her car, an elderly lady wound down the window so that her spaniel would have enough air. Pointing at the little dog lying in the back seat, she snapped, 'Stay. Stay.' Not seeing the dog, and thinking she was talking to the car, a passer-by said, 'Try using the handbrake.'

When John Logie Baird demonstrated the first TV transmission in the 1920s, a New York Times reporter wrote that he was sure television would never be a serious competitor to radio. The article, having pointed out that television requires people to sit and keep their eyes glued to a screen, concluded, 'The average family has not time for that'!

A friend who tried hard at dinner parties to be friendly, entertaining and amusing, finally realised that the secret of being a good dinner guest is to say to those seated next to you, 'Tell me more about what you do. It sounds fascinating.' In similar vein a professor told his students, 'The world doesn't want to see your sore toe. It wants to show you its sore toe.'

A four-year-old who had finished at nursery school had been told that after the summer holidays, he would be going to the big school. 'You won't have any naps during the day,' said his mother, 'and you'll have a new schoolbag with books and a pencil case.' The wee lad, having pondered all this, asked, 'Will my name still be Alec?'