A cartoon depicts two farmers fighting over a cow, one pulling at its head, the other at its tail. Down below are two lawyers milking it. How often the only people to benefit from bitter disputes are the lawyers.

October is one of those peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks and shares. The others are July, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, January and February.

The best acting at Academy Awards ceremonies is done by the losers congratulating the winners.

Has it ever struck you how violent are some of the terms we use? We execute a will, smother a sneeze, steal a glance, kill an urge and burn our boats.

Whenever a child can be seen and not heard, it is a shame to wake him.

Bob Hope once compared his own golfing ability to the golfing prowess of Arnold Palmer. 'Palmer has won as much money as I have spent on golf lessons.'

During a maths lesson, the teacher wrote some fractions on the blackboard. He then explained that the numerator was the top part of the fraction, and the denominator the bottom. Leaning back against the blackboard, he asked the pupils if they had any questions. A minute later when he turned round to write on the blackboard, laughter filled the room. 'Sir,' one pupil called out, 'You have chalk dust all over your denominator.'